While the American election rages on, one thing is becoming increasingly clear — reality TV star and goldplated building owner Donald Trump might actually stand a chance. That’s a terrifying thought for a large number of people, but you’ll survive — especially if you dig into our Fairgoods Donald Trump Survival Kit.
Trump’s recent success has resulted in a massive surge in articles about how to move to Canada and escape your new toupee’d overlord. Everyone, from Vogue to Buzzfeed, to Immigration sites are getting in on the action. There’s even an article about how to uproot your tech startup to the Great White North.
Fortunately, we’ve got plenty of advice on how you can start your new life in the land of hockey, Smarties and ketchup chips. Since we’re based in Canada, we know what we’re talking aboot.
First thing’s first, you need to know that Canada is the land of apologies. Whether we’re gently brushing by you, making eye contact for too long or simply just acknowledging your existence, we’re definitely going to feel bad about it. There’s a reason our most famous pop star has a hit named after the Sword — we just love to say “sorry.” As such, the best way to assimilate into our apologetic culture is with Fairgoods’ Sorry Tshirt. Designed by our own Shauna Hartsook, it’s got handwritten lettering that’ll help you display the apology we all so desperately want to say.
First thing’s first, however, you’re going to need to get here. You could take a plane or drive north of the border like a regular person, but who’s to say that the world won’t be in chaotic standstill as the country falls apart? Instead, we suggest you wrap up your belongings in a Sea to Sky Bandana, pop it on the end of a stick and hop on the back of a cargo train.
Before you leave, you should send a strong message to the land you’re abandoning for Canada’s politer pastures. We suggest filling these “I Hate You” Jerk Balloons with helium, and letting them loose in your workplace, apartment building or city centre. That way people will know why you’re saying farewell.
It’s undoubtedly going to be a tough time, so no one would blame you for sneaking some sips from a boozefilled flask. Why not class things up a touch with our Custom Flasks? You could monogram them with your own initials, or get a full word printed on there. Might we suggest something a little topical, like “Trumpocalypse.” Soon, the dystopian nightmare of your former country will be but a distant memory.
Unfortunately, however, your miserable journey won’t end there. You’ll soon realize that Tim Horton’s coffee is not all that great, the Canadian dollar is incredibly weak and, perhaps worst of all, you can’t even get Hulu in Canada. Comfort yourself with a hot drink from our Lousy mug.